One Month Old!

Today Jessalyn is one month old! We fall in love with her more everyday. We love staring at her while she sleeps and watching her silly faces when she is awake. She makes the cutest little squeaky noises all the time. She is a very happy baby and pretty much only cries when she is hungry. She is so alert and has been pretty much from week one. When you hold her she looks around all over the place and loves staring up at lights. She is very curious. I'm not sure if that is going to be a good or bad thing when she gets older. Haha. She absolutely loves to be held. Which isn't the best thing when I need to get things done. She also sleeps best when she is in my arms or laying right next to me. So she isn't a huge fan of sleeping by herself. I plan on trying to change that. But I love snuggling with her so it's okay with me for now. She is already a daddy's girl. She loves hanging out with daddy and sleeping on him and she loves listening to him talk and play the piano. Sometimes she can be very dramatic and will randomly let out one really loud cry then be perfectly fine after. I think she is just trying to get our attention. She is just like her father in so many ways. The way she looks and a lot of the things she does. She frowns just like him and makes some of the same facial expressions. Pretty much all she got from me that I can see so far is her eyebrows and her fingers. Haha. I love watching her stretch when she is waking up and sometimes when she sleeps she moves her mouth like she is sucking on something but she has nothing in her mouth. She loves bath time and it always calms her down if she's not so happy. She just sits there with a happy look on her face and just sits there the whole time enjoying it. But pretty much as soon as I take her out and wrap her in the towel she starts crying. I think she would stay in there for hours if she could. She is sleeping a lot better at night. She goes to bed at around 10 or 11 and wakes up about three times during the night to eat and usually wakes up around 8 or 9 in the morning. There are so many other things she does that we love and it's so fun watching her change and grow already.

We have been so blessed with this amazing little girl. Motherhood has been different than I thought it was going to be. Not in a bad way. I haven't had the typical post partum experience.

Pretty much from the first day home I was so nervous. It's only natural to be nervous bringing this little human home that you are responsible for taking care of. She was up pretty much the whole first night. I was so extremely exhausted and even woke my mom up to take her for a little while so I could sleep. The next day my nervous feeling felt worse. Every time she would cry my heart would start racing and my hands would get really sweaty. I would sit there holding her in a daze. She was the most amazing thing in the world but I couldn't help feeling sad and scared. That night I went to bed and started crying. Jordan asked what was wrong with me and I said I was so scared. I was scared that I was doing things wrong. I was scared that I didn't know what I was doing. I was just scared. He reassured me that I'm doing a great job and she is happy and healthy. I couldn't stop crying. I asked my mom the next day if it was normal to feel this nervous all the time. My heart was constantly racing and I was sweating from being so nervous. She said it was normal to be a little nervous but not constantly so she suggested I call my midwife. I called and instantly started crying. She asked me a few questions about how I was feeling and told me it sounded like I had post partum depression so I made an appointment to go in and see her. When I went in to see her I looked and felt miserable. I had no energy or desire to even try to do my hair or makeup. She gave me a questionnaire and asked me some questions and diagnosed me with post partum depression. She prescribed an anti depressant and tried to comfort me because I couldn't stop crying. She explained that what I'm feeling is because of my hormones and has nothing to do with me. She told me not to worry and I will start feeling better and that I'm a great mom.

I started taking the anti depressant that evening and tried to get some rest since that's what my midwife said would help. I woke up from my nap and I was feeling really bad anxiety. My heart was racing worse than before and I was sweating and I started feeling dizzy like the room was spinning. I told my mom and Jordan how I was feeling and I started crying and told them I felt like I was going to die. I was feeling so bad that I told them I wanted to go to the hospital. I kept saying I felt like I was going to die so they decided to call 911. The ambulance got their really fast and they tried to calm me down. I was having a severe panic attack so they decided to take me to the hospital. I actually rode in the ambulance and they strapped me in. It was all pretty much a blur because I was so dizzy and delirious. There wasn't much they could do for a panic attack except give me something for anxiety. But I didn't want to take it because it was bad for the baby since I'm breastfeeding. I calmed down after being in the ER for a while and they sent me home with the prescription for the anti- anxiety medicine just in case I had another panic attack.

For about the next few days to a week I was still feeling horrible anxiety. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I would just sit and stare and I don't know how many times I told Jordan that I hated feeling this way. He was great the whole time and tried to comfort me and tell me that I will get through it. I pretty much completely lost my appetite and would force myself to eat. I would have been lost with out my mom. She made food for me and cleaned and did laundry and would watch Jessalyn while I slept. I got a lot of support from family so that helped a lot as well.

Luckily now I'm feeling ten times better but not 100 percent yet. My midwife said it would take a few weeks to feel "normal" again. I'm not feeling horrible anxiety anymore. I never want to feel the way I was feeling again. Some days are better than others. I'm actually smiling and laughing and doing my hair and makeup now. Haha. Through all of this, looking at my precious baby girl has helped me get through it. She makes everything worth it. Everything has gotten a lot easier now that we are getting in a routine and adjusting to things. Now I can't imagine life with out her and love waking up to that precious little face every morning.