I've been debating this post for a long time. I've attempted it a few times before but never felt ready to completely share it with the world yet. But now that I'm serious about seeking some professional help I thought maybe opening up about it would help me. This is something I've suffered from for pretty much as long as I can remember but has gotten a lot worse in the past three years. Before I start talking about my struggles here is a little information about what emetophobia is.
This might sound kinda funny to people who aren't aware that I have this phobia. Only a few close family and friends know about it but still I think the only person who really knows the severity of it is Jordan. It is something I live with on an every day basis. It constantly consumes my mind and I unfortunately live my life around it. Here are ways that it affects my everyday life.
The ones that I can relate to the most is using the word of vomit or any word related. I instantly get anxiety just hearing the word. And also germs and contamination. I'm a huge germaphobe. More than what should even be normal. There are a few things I will not eat 'just in case'. I don't eat a lot of meat in fear that I might get sick from it. But I must say I do have a pretty good appetite for anything else other than meat.
Here is a little history of how I got where I am:
The first memory I have of being sick was when I was very young. Maybe five or six. I woke up from a nap and ran to the bathroom as fast as I could. That wasn't a traumatic experience. But I have always suffered some sort of anxiety as a child. Till this day I cannot pin point when and how any of this actually started. There isn't one incident that I can remember that has caused me to suffer from this anxiety and phobia but there is an incident that has caused it to become worse than it has been in a very long time. My anxiety sky rocketed as soon as Jess was born. I suffered from some pretty severe post partum depression and anxiety and have been on antidepressants since then with a little break while I was pregnant with Jayven.
And then I got sick. Jess was about four months old. It was the first time in about 20 years. Jordan and I got some pretty bad food poisoning. That's when I got picky about eating meat because that's what we got sick from. Ever since then I've been extra cautious about what I eat and where I eat it and how I eat it.
And then it happened again. Except the stomach flu was the culprit this time. It was Christmas 2011. Jessalyn and her cousins got it on Christmas Eve then passed it on to me and Heather on Christmas Day. What a great memory right. I did what I thought was my best to avoid it. Washed my hands a million times. Disinfected. The whole works. But I started feeling sick on Christmas night. When I knew there was nothing I could do to avoid the inevitable is when I really started freaking out. When I finally gave in to the sickness and threw up twice I begged Jordan to take me to the hospital because I felt like I was going to die. He tried to calm me down as I kept pleading and begging him to take me. He told me I was going to be okay and there was nothing the hospital would do that we couldn't do at home. So I laid in bed and let my panic attack subside while I tried to get some sleep. I'm pretty sure that moment has scarred me for life.
People who get sick on a regular basis would probably laugh at me for feeling the way I do. I've only been sick three times in my whole life and Jordan has lost count how many times he has been sick. For most people it doesn't phase them. Yeah it sucks and isn't fun but they just let it happen and are over it right after. Not an emetophobe like myself. Vomiting literally makes me feel like I'm dying. The thought of it gives me the worst anxiety. Just writing this gives me anxiety.
This phobia literally consumes my mind and thoughts every second of every day. You would never know just by looking at me. I'm pretty good at hiding it. But in the back of my mind at all times I'm wondering if that feeling in my stomach means I'm going to be sick. I wonder if the grumbling noise my stomach made was something other then hunger. After everything that I eat I question if this is going to be the one thing that will make me sick. If anybody mentions that they feel sick or have been sick my anxiety goes into overdrive. The worst words you can ever say to me is "my tummy hurts" and unfortunately Jess says it on a pretty regular basis. Haha. Which pretty much only means she has to go potty. But instant anxiety runs through my whole body as soon as I hear it. The sound of the actual act happening us probably the worst sound I've ever heard in my whole life. Jordan has a sensitive stomach and can get sick pretty easily. So if he knows he's going to be sick he warns me to turn up the tv or cover my ears. But knowing what he's going to do freaks me out and sometimes I accidentally hear it and freak out pretty good for a while after. I pretty much have an anxiety attack the whole time.
The worst thing for me about having kids is getting a stomach bug. Jess has been through it about two or three times. I'm pretty good about cleaning up after her and being able to comfort her but for about three days following I'm living in constant fear that I'm going to be next. And you can imagine how difficult the beginning of my pregnancy with Jayven was. I was nauseaous 24-7 the whole first trimester of my pregnancy. I did everything I could to get rid of it. You name it, I tried it.
Nighttime is the worst for me. Because of the fact the both of the times I have been sick it was in middle of the night and anytime Jess has been sick she has woken up in middle of the night. So I'm constantly worried that Jess will wake up sick. I've have showed some obsessive and compulsive tendencies. Often times I will countdown the time from when I last ate something that I thought would potentially make me sick and would feel relieved once I have entered the "safe zone" and all the hours have passed.
What sucks really bad about having constant anxiety is that anxiety makes me feel sick. So a lot of the time when I feel any hint of anything going on in my tummy I instantly freak out which only makes the whole thing worse. So I never know if I'm feeling sick because I'm actually sick or if I'm feeling sick because of the anxiety.
This phobia is completely exhausting. Not only for me but for Jordan too. Jordan goes to great lengths to ease my mind and work around my crazy thoughts. He knows me well enough that he knows what to do and not to do to make sure my mind will be at ease. A lot of times there isn't a whole lot of rhyme or reason for doing the things I do. And even though most of the time I know I will be okay if I don't do one of my "rituals", it stills eases my mind to do them anyway. I am completely aware of how crazy I can be sometimes but I have no control over my thoughts. That's why this is an irrational fear and I know that. And it sounds simple just to say I will be okay and I'm not going to die. But my irrational mind is telling me different.
After Jayven was born I was going to try to avoid getting back on antidepressants but with everything we were going through it seemed inevitable so I went back on. Although my anxiety has calmed down a lot since then, there is only so much medicine can do. So I'm going to seriously look into some sort of therapy to hopefully try to control this phobia and anxiety. I would really love to live a normal life and not be constantly living in fear. It has affected many aspects in my life that I really want to be better. And I'm really praying that one day I can get over this.
Well now that you know more about me and probably think I'm crazy here are things that go on in an emetaphobes mind on a daily basis:
