6 Weeks Old!

Jessalyn turned 6 weeks yesterday and she has already changed so much. I feel like I woke up one day and she looked different. She has definitely gotten a little chunkier. She loves to eat! I love chunky babies. The rolls look so cute on them. She just started smiling too. It was the cutest thing the first time I saw it. I was talking to her and she must have thought what I was saying was funny because she smiled really big almost like she was going to laugh. Then she gave daddy a smile when he came home. She also things her Uncle James is pretty hilarious because she gave him a bunch of smiles too.
Penny loves Jessalyn so much. She is always trying to lick her face but we stop her before she does it. I joke around and say that Penny thinks she is so little and cute and looks like a mini version of her dad so that's why she loves her so much.

One Month Old!

Today Jessalyn is one month old! We fall in love with her more everyday. We love staring at her while she sleeps and watching her silly faces when she is awake. She makes the cutest little squeaky noises all the time. She is a very happy baby and pretty much only cries when she is hungry. She is so alert and has been pretty much from week one. When you hold her she looks around all over the place and loves staring up at lights. She is very curious. I'm not sure if that is going to be a good or bad thing when she gets older. Haha. She absolutely loves to be held. Which isn't the best thing when I need to get things done. She also sleeps best when she is in my arms or laying right next to me. So she isn't a huge fan of sleeping by herself. I plan on trying to change that. But I love snuggling with her so it's okay with me for now. She is already a daddy's girl. She loves hanging out with daddy and sleeping on him and she loves listening to him talk and play the piano. Sometimes she can be very dramatic and will randomly let out one really loud cry then be perfectly fine after. I think she is just trying to get our attention. She is just like her father in so many ways. The way she looks and a lot of the things she does. She frowns just like him and makes some of the same facial expressions. Pretty much all she got from me that I can see so far is her eyebrows and her fingers. Haha. I love watching her stretch when she is waking up and sometimes when she sleeps she moves her mouth like she is sucking on something but she has nothing in her mouth. She loves bath time and it always calms her down if she's not so happy. She just sits there with a happy look on her face and just sits there the whole time enjoying it. But pretty much as soon as I take her out and wrap her in the towel she starts crying. I think she would stay in there for hours if she could. She is sleeping a lot better at night. She goes to bed at around 10 or 11 and wakes up about three times during the night to eat and usually wakes up around 8 or 9 in the morning. There are so many other things she does that we love and it's so fun watching her change and grow already.

We have been so blessed with this amazing little girl. Motherhood has been different than I thought it was going to be. Not in a bad way. I haven't had the typical post partum experience.

Pretty much from the first day home I was so nervous. It's only natural to be nervous bringing this little human home that you are responsible for taking care of. She was up pretty much the whole first night. I was so extremely exhausted and even woke my mom up to take her for a little while so I could sleep. The next day my nervous feeling felt worse. Every time she would cry my heart would start racing and my hands would get really sweaty. I would sit there holding her in a daze. She was the most amazing thing in the world but I couldn't help feeling sad and scared. That night I went to bed and started crying. Jordan asked what was wrong with me and I said I was so scared. I was scared that I was doing things wrong. I was scared that I didn't know what I was doing. I was just scared. He reassured me that I'm doing a great job and she is happy and healthy. I couldn't stop crying. I asked my mom the next day if it was normal to feel this nervous all the time. My heart was constantly racing and I was sweating from being so nervous. She said it was normal to be a little nervous but not constantly so she suggested I call my midwife. I called and instantly started crying. She asked me a few questions about how I was feeling and told me it sounded like I had post partum depression so I made an appointment to go in and see her. When I went in to see her I looked and felt miserable. I had no energy or desire to even try to do my hair or makeup. She gave me a questionnaire and asked me some questions and diagnosed me with post partum depression. She prescribed an anti depressant and tried to comfort me because I couldn't stop crying. She explained that what I'm feeling is because of my hormones and has nothing to do with me. She told me not to worry and I will start feeling better and that I'm a great mom.

I started taking the anti depressant that evening and tried to get some rest since that's what my midwife said would help. I woke up from my nap and I was feeling really bad anxiety. My heart was racing worse than before and I was sweating and I started feeling dizzy like the room was spinning. I told my mom and Jordan how I was feeling and I started crying and told them I felt like I was going to die. I was feeling so bad that I told them I wanted to go to the hospital. I kept saying I felt like I was going to die so they decided to call 911. The ambulance got their really fast and they tried to calm me down. I was having a severe panic attack so they decided to take me to the hospital. I actually rode in the ambulance and they strapped me in. It was all pretty much a blur because I was so dizzy and delirious. There wasn't much they could do for a panic attack except give me something for anxiety. But I didn't want to take it because it was bad for the baby since I'm breastfeeding. I calmed down after being in the ER for a while and they sent me home with the prescription for the anti- anxiety medicine just in case I had another panic attack.

For about the next few days to a week I was still feeling horrible anxiety. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I would just sit and stare and I don't know how many times I told Jordan that I hated feeling this way. He was great the whole time and tried to comfort me and tell me that I will get through it. I pretty much completely lost my appetite and would force myself to eat. I would have been lost with out my mom. She made food for me and cleaned and did laundry and would watch Jessalyn while I slept. I got a lot of support from family so that helped a lot as well.

Luckily now I'm feeling ten times better but not 100 percent yet. My midwife said it would take a few weeks to feel "normal" again. I'm not feeling horrible anxiety anymore. I never want to feel the way I was feeling again. Some days are better than others. I'm actually smiling and laughing and doing my hair and makeup now. Haha. Through all of this, looking at my precious baby girl has helped me get through it. She makes everything worth it. Everything has gotten a lot easier now that we are getting in a routine and adjusting to things. Now I can't imagine life with out her and love waking up to that precious little face every morning.

The Birth Story

*Warning* This is very long! I mostly put every little detail down for me so when I look back at it I can remember my birth experience.

I was dreading going past my due date and was so sure it was going to happen. I started doing almost everything I could to try to naturally induce myself a week before my due date. The only thing I wouldn't try is castor oil. Yuck! I really wanted to experience what it was like to go into labor by myself. I packed my hospital bags and wanted the excitement of rushing out of the house with my hospital bags all ready to go.

I wasn't feeling any contractions the week before. Maybe just a few braxton hicks contractions but that was about it. My brother in law James was doing some accupressure on me to help speed things up. I was also drinking red raspberry leaf tea and taking evening primrose oil which was suggested by my midwife. My last appointment was on Friday, October 8th. I was hoping there would be a little more progress from my last appointment. When she checked me I was only 1.5 cm. dilated and about 50% effaced. That was only half a cm. difference from the week before. She mentioned stripping my membranes which could possibly cause me to into labor within the next 48 hours. But she wasn't going to be on call over the weekend so she said she would do it on Monday the 11th. I was a little disappointed when we left the dr. I kind of had a feeling not a whole lot of progress was going on so I half expected it. We talking about inducing me and she said she would want to do it a week later. I was even more disappointed about that. I was starting to feel like I was going to be pregnant forever. The one thing Jordan was most worried about was me going into labor right in the middle of his paper route at 2 in the morning.

Since nothing exciting was going on, James and Heather invited us to the pumpkin patch and said maybe a hayride would do me some good. We had some fun looking for pumpkins and drinking delicious apple cider and having a little picnic. My mom made me go for one more hayride. When I sat down a little boy tells his mom ,"She has a baby in her belly." Haha. It was pretty cute.

At about 1:30 am on the 9th I was woken up by a pretty strong pain. I really didn't think anything of it since I expected to feel a little cramping after an exam at the dr. the day before. I decided I would try to go back to sleep. Jordan left for his paper route at about 2 am and I was woken up again by this pain. It almost felt like a strong period cramp. I brushed it off and tried to go back to sleep again. But I couldn't. I started to wonder if these were contractions but wasn't sure since I have never felt any before. I decided to start timing them. They were about 10 minutes apart but I didn't want to start freaking out yet. I was going to wait it out to see if they got closer together or stronger. The last thing I wanted was to go to the hospital but be sent home for false labor. I decided I would take a shower and see if they felt the same after. I also decided to do a load of laundry because in my neat freak mind I thought to myself I don't want to come home after having a baby to laundry that isn't done. lol. After my shower the contractions still continued. I decided I would still wait it out because I wanted to wait for Jordan to get home from his paper route. 6:30 am rolled around and my contractions were getting a little stronger and about 5-10 minutes apart. I figured I would make sure I had everything in my hospital bags and they were ready to go. I finally decided to wake my mom up and tell her that I was having contractions. The funny thing is she was already up because she couldn't sleep. I think oddly enough she sensed something. I told her I think it was time so she said should probably take a shower. I sent a text to Jordan letting him know that I've been having contractions 5-10 minutes apart for the past 6 hours. He called me right away and told me I should call the midwife on call and see what she says to do. So I called her and she asked me a bunch of questions about my contractions and pain and if I'm getting an epidural. She told me it sounded like I was in labor and I should go to labor and delivery. I called Jordan back and told him it was time to go in.

We got to the hospital around 8:30 am. They were already expecting us and sent us straight over to the triage. The nurse strapped me in to monitor my contractions and checked to see how much I was dilated. I was at about 2 cm at this point. The nurse wanted me to walk around for 45 minutes to help me dilate more and get me contracting more.

So we walked, and walked and walked.

We went back to the triage and she checked me again. I got to about 3 cm but my contractions were slowing down a little so she wanted us to walk again. So we walked some more. My contractions were starting to get stronger and Jordan was getting a good work out walking the halls of labor and delivery. lol. After we walked I started progressing more so the nurse talked to the midwife and decided to move me to the labor and delivery room.

They hooked me up to all these machines and poked me with a bunch of needles. I got really nervous when we got into this room because this made it very real. My mom actually started getting very emotional when we got in there.

At about 12 PM I was at 5 cm and one of the midwives came in and broke my water. They told me that my contractions would start coming stronger and said I could get the epidural whenever I wanted. My contractions were already pretty bad but not completely unbearable. I didn't want them to get worse so I asked for it right at that moment. I got the epidural at about 12:30 and it was definitely very painful but it started working right away.

Since I couldn't feel the contractions anymore and I could relax I decided I would try to take a nap. My progress started to slow down a little once I got the epidural so they hooked me up to some pitocin at about 2 pm to speed things up. At around 4 pm I started feeling a lot of pressure so I let the nurse know. They checked me and I was fully dilated. They wanted to wait just a little bit before I started pushing.

Here we are right before I started to push. We were getting very excited because we knew we were that much closer to meeting our baby girl. Everything had been so easy up to this point so I figured this wasn't going to be any different. I actually didn't mentally prepare myself for how difficult pushing was going to be. I should have considering I was pushing out something the size of a bowling ball. lol. I figured I would give a few pushes and she would be out. Boy was I wrong. After a few pushes I was already exhausted. I was already tired from not having any sleep the night before and I had no strength or energy from not eating or drinking anything since the evening before. It turns out Jessalyn was facing up which was making it difficult for her head to get through. I was pushing with all that I had but she wasn't budging. After about an hour of pushing they decided I should take a break and lay in a position that would hopefully help her move to a better position. I rested for about 30 minutes and I felt like I could barely keep my eyes open. I was so exhausted. I started feeling my contractions again and they were feeling pretty painful that it was getting hard for me to breath through them. I remember laying in pain and crying telling Jordan "I can't do this anymore. This hurts!" I kept saying it over and over and he was trying to comfort me telling me we were so close and I could do it.

We let the nurses know that my epidural was starting to wear off so they gave me a button to push to give me another dose. It wasn't working for me so I was starting to feel everything. I started to push again but we weren't getting any closer than we were before. By this point my midwife told me that I could push for another hour but if nothing is happening then I would have to have a c-section. That was my worst fear so I started pushing as hard as I could. We were all getting worried that all this work was going to turn into a c-section. My midwife wasn't giving us a whole lot of hope. She was straight forward and was telling us that it didn't look like there was any progress. About another hour into pushing and two hours total Jessalyn decided to miraculousy turn her head in the right position. My midwife and the nurses moved quickly getting everything ready. I pushed about 4 more times and then next thing I knew I had my crying baby girl laying on top of me. I didn't care that she was covered in blood and mucous. I reached over and held on to her and was in shock that she was mine and she was inside me just seconds before. Jordan quickly cut the umbilical cord and they wisked her away to check on her. They were worried that she possibly got some meconium in her lungs because she was covered in it. Luckily she was fine and they didn't have to take her to the NICU.

I didn't actually get a chance to look at her so I asked Jordan what she looked like as they were cleaning her off and getting her weight and measurements. Jordan said she has his chin.

Here is Jordan's first moments with his daughter. He was in awe. This moment was so precious.

And here is my first time getting to look at my daughter's face and I fell instantly in love. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.

My mom was there through it all and she is a very proud grandma to her first grand daughter.

After my epidural wore off completely, the nurses wanted me to get up and go to the bathroom. At first it was hard for me to stand up but I did it with Jordan and the nurses help holding me up. The nurse asked me if I felt dizzy at all and I said I felt fine. I took my first step and my legs almost gave out on me. I slowly made my way to the bathroom. The nurse started explaining things to me and as she was explained I started sweating like crazy and I told the nurse that I was feeling dizzy. She rushed over to me to make sure I didn't fall off the toilet. I started feeling nauseous and like I was going to pass out. She made me put my head between my legs and put something under my nose and made me take a deep breath. I asked her if this was normal to feel like that and kept saying I didn't feel good. Jordan came over and they helped me get on the wheelchair. I was so delirious and out of it I felt like I was going to pass out at any moment. Luckily I didn't. I guess I lost a lot of blood so that was the reason I was feeling that way. I started feeling better after they got me to the other room and in the bed. That was a very scary experience and probably one of the worse out of the whole delivery.

Looking at our beautiful daughter made all of that worth going through. It was definitely the most difficult thing I have ever gone through but I would do it over again just for her.

And of course if you know me at all then you know I had to have my makeup and hair done in the hospital. lol. It made me feel ten times better.

We were so happy and scared to go home.

Our little family. Home sweet home!